Why?

Going back to work this week has been tough. I'm trying my best to not get Dooced here, but I'm not going to lie, this week has been AWFUL.

Monday morning, I'm in a classroom, on the phone, when I hear sobbing outside the door. I think nothing of it, because I teach middle school and parents are always hauling their kids in the next school day after report cards come out to clean out their lockers. These kids are always getting hollered at and it usually leads to crying. A dear friend of mine, comes in and asks if I knew that one of our students had passed away this weekend. I knew nothing of it. Apparently, the deceased student's parents came in first thing Monday morning to clean out her locker and dear friend was in the hallway when they came down with the counselor. We knew the student hadn't been sick with anything, and quickly racked our brains about any car accidents that had happened this past week(end).

Long story short, there was a car accident. The student of mine was in the backseat without a seatbelt on (everyone else, including the little ones were buckled up in car seats so the student was probably being an 11 year old rebellious child). The driver hit a patch of black ice, spun, then flipped into a ditch. Everyone else but the student walked away without a scratch on them.

Like I said, this week has been awful. It's been tough walking past her locker, helping students grieve, and establishing a collection the kids can make as a memorial. It just makes me think, why this student? This student was an average, good, sweet natured kid. Suddenly, I feel guilty as hell for giving the student a 10 minute lunch detention last fall for the student constantly wanting to talk to a friend during instruction. I know I'm hugging my loved ones closer and not sweating any small stuff, but it's still rough, ya know? It was a KID. I can't imagine what the student's mother is going through right now. What if the mother and the kid had gotten into a minor parent/child spat just before getting into the car and that's why the kid was not wearing a seatbelt? What if the kid had taken off the seatbelt to get something one of the younger siblings had dropped and then failed to put it back on? What if I had mentioned in class how important it is to wear seatbelts at all times? I have a million what ifs running through my head and all I can do is cry.

I went over to the family's house with a colleague after school to deliver food and drop off sympathy cards the kids had made. The student's bedroom was off the kitchen and the door was open. I couldn't help glancing in, and I noticed there was an unmade bed with a stack of clean laundry on it. I lost it looking at that. This poor kid left, with their family, being a typical middle school kid, leaving a stack of clean clothes on top of an unmade bed thinking the student could put them away after they got home.

I keep coming back to one question. Why?